This is a debbie downer post...not gonna lie...so be prepared for my venting.
But today, this whole weekend actually, I really hated my job. Like - really. I didn't share one meal with my husband...I didn't laugh with him....nor did I partake in a single activity not related to work. You see, I was oncall - which is Hell around here. The typical 12 hour day turns into an 18 or 19 hour day...of emergency room visits, consults at various hospitals, rounding with different physicians, emergency surgeries....missing lunch and scarfing saltines on the run. I've been oncall for 72 hours straight. I miss my life.
Why would I chose this lifestyle? Why didn't I go into something that had NORMAL hours? Or at least bearable hours? Why did I go for the "doctor" tag with the horrendous hours, ridiculous oncall, and pressure of it all? I'm confused with myself. I'm not just talking residency - no doubt residency is it's own mini nightmare - but once I'm out, and a real podiatric surgeon on my own, getting called in the emergency room several times over one weekend...being pulled away from my family day in and day out...giving up the ability to plan vacations because patients always need you. Why did I do this again?? This is so stupid.
As the world of medicine changes, the life of doctors is looking really grim. A bunch of us were talking about it the other day - none of us have really even "started" yet since we are still in residency...but not one of us would have chosen this road again.
Ugh. I'm so grumpy. I can't believe I'm giving up being a stay at home mama for my baby for this shit. It makes me so pissed.
I start my plastic surgery rotation tomorrow. Please dear God let me love it.
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Sounds like one shitty weekend! And you've got every right to complain- who WOULD want to go through that crap and be happy and cheery about it? I don't think that's possible. But in times like this you just have to hold on to that dream that has carried you through everything up to this point- of being a doctor someday. Now look! You're THERE. Or, at least in the last final step until it's officially "started." Sure this is hell and a half right now but once you're done with this, you'll have more say, more power, and you'll be doing what YOU want to do, instead of running around learning it all. And while it may be total crap for awhile, it won't last forever. Something is going to happen soon that is going to make you remember why this is so important to you and why you love medicine. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that it's been a rough week! What you're doing is *awesome* - saving lives, and all that - really huge. No doubt it's draining sometimes, but to be able to actually *change people's lives* the way doctors do is nothing short of amazing. I'm guessing you had some reasons like that when you chose the profession.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the closer we get to our goals, the more rocky the path gets, like the universe is testing us to see if we really want it and really have the chops to make it. You most definitely do! Hope you were able to get some rest this weekend. Hang in there!
Yikes. Last week my friend's facebook status read "Doctors give up their own lives to save their patient's lives." It's sad that it should be true.
ReplyDeleteKeep on going towards and doing what makes you happy - hopefully the path will get clearer and the road easier at that point!
There is really no reason doctors should have to give up their lives.
ReplyDeleteThe medical profession set it up that way, but it does not have to remain that way. Do we really want to chase away future doctors because some of them will surely reject that way of life?
Perhaps in the future you can be a voice to help change it?
Hope it gets better for you!!!
ReplyDeletehang in there. It is much better on the other side. I made it through residency AND fellowship and I love what I do. And I have a life outside of work. That's not to say that I didn't give things up to get here and that life could have been a lot easier a different way, but I can't imagine doing anything else at this point. You'll find a way to make it work for you. Internship sucks, no way around it, but it does get better and you'll figure out why you did this.
ReplyDeletehang in there. some days you will hate it, some days you won't. there are months that i hate residency every single day. and then some patient will say something nice and you feel better. but i'm with you. i'm not sure why we choose to put ourselves through this craziness!
ReplyDeleteYou know I appreciate this post... sometimes I see the residents in the ED and they are so short and grumpy on some days. I forget that their lives are put on hold for being on call...having long hours...over worked. I get it. Hang in there. I have those weeks too, like last week- its mainly when I cant see my husband and we dont have quality time- makes me sad, because its usually soo much fun. But at least we have husbands that we WANT to spend time with right?!
ReplyDeleteI student teaching right now and there are days I hate it. I stand up there thinking, "what have I done?". I think a lot of poeple hate what they go into at first. You will get through it. Be h appy right now because that baby is with you 24/7. Cherish that now and don't feel alone! Think of it as bonding time!
ReplyDeleteI'm pushing the "like" button on Lori's comment. :)
ReplyDeleteThe medical industry is crazy, requiring doctors to keep a crazy schedule that pulls away from their families. Perhaps the new generation of doctors will change that?
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
"Nothing in life worth having comes easy." It gets better! It has to right? Every day you get to go home knowing that you made someone's life better - literally! Your baby will be so proud of you. I am so grateful to have a working mom, that worked hard, it has made inspired me to do the same. Know that your daughter will have an amazing, strong role model in her mother.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a doctor too, but never had the on call hours, he is a chiropractor and thankfully has gotten to a place where he has a wonderful work/life balance. We do have the stress of student loans, opening his practice, etc. But nothing in life worth having comes easy, and helping people as he is, and you are, is definitely worth having.