thoughts about daycare

I am a working mother.  It is my reality.  The reality of our home.  I was raised in a household where my mom was home with me from my infant days until I was in high school.  My mom was wonderfully involved in our lives...she volunteered at our schools, was really active in PTA, was a Brownie girl scout leader for years, was amazing with after school homework help, a fundraiser extraordinaire, and drove my sisters around to our gazillion activities - not to mention all of the fun stuff she planned for my sisters and I to do all the time....she was super mom.  I want to be like her.

So.  How do I get to be supermom when I'm also a doctor?  These are rocky waters that I am trying to tread.  I don't know how to do both...especially since I don't really know how to do either one!  I'm a new doctor!  I'm a [relatively] new mother!  But I am bound and determined to do both...to do both well...and enjoy it all.  I want to have it all.  It's still up in the air as to whether that can actually happen.  Certain compromises are inevitable.

Fortunately, while we have been in New York we found a way for my husband and I to both work in our desired fields.  (To remind you...my husband is a high school English teacher...he has been a long term sub while we've been in New York)  We had a day care provider....and she was our angel!  Living in a community where we don't have family, and friends are limited to the guys I work with...we had to seek outside help.  I had a real issue with this at first.  It was difficult to drop Clara off.  I would cry.  I would WEEP.  Seriously...weep.  But it got easier for me as I saw how much Clara loved it.  Our particular day care provider watches a few children around Clara's age...so she had friends!  Friends that she would get to play with all day!  How fun is that!?  Sometimes she cried when she would get picked up because she wanted to stay and play...those tears were music to my ears!  Also, she would talk about her little friends...we would ask about her day and she would squeal her little friends' names with delight..."LEXI!" "JAYLEN!" "AIDEN!"  By the time we had to take Jack to daycare, I didn't even bat an eye. 

Though we found a wonderful environment for Clara and Jack here in New York...it's still not an ideal situation.  Obviously, I want to be with my babies 24/7 - I do - I really really do.   But it's not in the cards...especially since I went and took out over a quarter million dollars in loans to be a doctor...because mama now needs to pay those bad boys off and taking a couple years to be at home with my small kiddos isn't possible.  So daycare has been such a help for us...and at $50 per day for both kids, it was relatively affordable (which is actually on the super cheap end of day care in this town...most places were upwards of $300 per WEEK!  Cost is a variable that will be interesting as we move to a new region of the country.)

Now that we are relocating to a new community, we begin the daunting task of finding a *NEW* caring environment for our little ones, once again.  Wish us luck!

When are you due!?

One if my inpatients asked me when I was due. Yea. That really happened today, 5 weeks after I birthed my sweet baby boy.

I smiled. But mentally cussed him out.

First day back at work

So. Little Jack turned 5 weeks old yesterday - and it was also my first day back at work.

I had planned for 6 weeks of maternity leave - yet due to circumstances beyond my control I got called to come back to work a week early. I was initially broken hearted to miss that last week with my newborn...than I got mad.

My first day back was rather uneventful. There were no tears this time - I think I was a little too scorned for tears. So i gave myself ONE day to be upset... one day to feel sorry for myself, to curse my professional choices. Residency is so weird - your life doesn't always feel like your own. Anyway, I refuse to feel sorry for myself today. Life and responsibilities go on. I can do this.

let me introduce you to our son...

Jack Kapitan

arrived on February 6th, 2013 at 2:04 pm...

... at 7 pounds 14 ounces and 20.5 inches of wrinkly old man good looks.

His birth was beautiful and quite an honor.

This little boy didn't even have to steal my heart...

I gave it right to him the second I held him in my arms.

We are now blessed with two lovely babies.

Thank you for your sweet words, bloggy friends, they mean so much.

a few moments after he was born!!!

first sibling kiss - melted my heart.

 Note:  How I am doing, where my sanity went, and if I will ever find it again will be discussed at another time.  As will the "story of Jack"... but all of that will have to wait until another time.  My mother has been here for the past week and a half and she leaves tomorrow (which makes me weep!) SUCH an angel to be here with us to help navigate the road of having two babies under two.  Tomorrow I will be flying solo...sooo... until we meet again!

let's DO this birthing thing!

back when Clara was a baby

OK folks.  This is it.  Today is the day. 

I worked a half shift today and I have a couple more hours before my husband and I go check in at the hospital to begin the birthing process.  I feel motivated...and focused...and eager to meet this little guy!

But I have to admit, I am already exhausted.  Ha...and I don't even have the newborn in my arms yet. Last night, my husband and I were a little on the jittery side (well, I was anyway).   It was our LAST full night of sleep for a long time.  That reality made me nervous and a little sad at the same time (probably strange to admit that.)

Thankfully, my mother has been here since Saturday - what a BLESSING!  Being Clara's full time play companion while I tie up all sorts of loose ends at work.  And she's been preparing our dinners, washing our dishes, cleaning our house!  Oh man - I feel so spoiled and so so lucky to have her here during all of this excitement!  She is so amazing. 

I will see you on the other side of this adventure.  Please keep the health and safety of our little boy in your hearts these next couple of days!

TIME TO MEET BABY NUMBER TWO!!  WAHOOOOOO!!

baby announcements

I like to plan.  Sometimes I am better at this than others.  It gives me a sense of "calm" to know what comes next...or be organized...to have my ducks in a row.  This way I avoid getting flustered...making rash decisions...and getting annoyed with myself.  Eh - and yet most of the time I am a roll with the punches/rash decision maker anyway. 

Well...I've been day dreaming about baby announcements...since we will be selecting one in the next couple weeks as we announce the arrival of our little baby boy!  I've been scoping the cute designs at Magnet Street  - one of my favorite companies (beautiful quality, outstanding prices, great collection of designs!)  These are a few that I like the best.  Which one do you like?

I am leaning towards this one because it reminds me of the fun colorful graphics we used for Clara's announcement.

I think this one is my favorite...but it doesn't have a picture...and it's nice to get pictures of baby!

PS: today my mom and I are taking Clara to see Disney on Ice!  She's never seen any of the Disney movies...and doesn't know any of the characters except Mickey and Minnie...but we are crossing our fingers she enjoys the experience!

family dynamics

our little fam

I am still struggling to understand how the dynamic of our family is about to be completely revamped in the next few days. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of having a son. A second child. A newborn. Another soul to live for...provide for...love.  How is this going to change everything? Because I'm positive that everything is about to change...everything. Just like when Clara arrived...and our world was never the same. It became a more glorious place for us...it's been the best 99 weeks of my life with that little sweetie pie (oh yea...she is 99 weeks old this week!) 

I wonder how wiped out I am going to be. I wonder about being sleep deprived with a needy newborn and yet needing/wanting to play and care for my almost 2 year old.  I wonder if she will understand...probably not. I wonder how I will manage this by myself when my husband is working at his current long term sub job everyday.  I wonder how I will get two little ones in the car at the same time to run an errand...logistically...how does that work?  I wonder if this will be the last time I will be pregnant?  Oh...and don't even get me wondering about how I am going to study for my surgical boards that take place in a couple short months...I have to pass them or I don't have a job when I graduate.

Oh life - you are so dang colorful.  And mysterious.  And wonderful.

99 weeks old!

PS:  my mother comes today from Arizona.  She is here to care for Clara while Tommy and I are at the hospital this week welcoming our little guy!  I've been praying that I wouldn't go into labor before my mom gets here as we had NO plan B with what to do with Clara.  (Though I guess that's not entirely true...as one of the nice young mother's in my apt complex offered to take Clara if we have an emergency...which was very very sweet...don't you think!?)

my fave baby shoes (my podiatric opinion!)

Clara's first pair of Pediped's...

I should probably write an actual post about WHAT to look for in a baby/toddler shoe.  Evaluating shoe gear is a major component of my occupation - and I have formulated opinions based on years of study, research and clinical experience to help guide me when I make shoe purchases for myself and my kid(s.)  I did a lot of research when Clara started walking about the shoes that babies should wear and I should share some of that knowledge with you...

But today isn't the day for that.  Sorry.  But I DID want to tell you that my favorite baby/toddler shoe brand, Pediped, is having a sale at their website where some of their styles are 60% off with free shipping if you spend over $75 (and a rewards club to earn $$$ towards future purchases).   Also, many styles are considered "purchases with a purpose" which donates proceeds directly to children's charities.   I should mention that this site always has a "sale" section...which is where I purchase Clara's shoes from (and some of their sales are better than others).

They are really the only shoe brand I have put on my child once she started walking (there are a couple exceptions to this...and I will go into that in another post.)  They have different shoes for different "walking" stages...with plenty of education and explanations on their site to help guide you to what your child's shoe gear needs are.  Be forwarded, these shoes are not cheap...and I have tried a few different brands that are cheaper but was never impressed (and in some circumstances I was rather horrified) with the construction, the durability, and the overall structure of the shoe. 

I believe in good shoes.  I will always recommend good shoes.  


I give these opinions of Pediped freely, without being a paid sponsor, and I didn't receive any endorsements or promotional items either (though...that would be completely rad if I did!)

(Oh...before I forget, and while it is fresh in my mind...please don't put your newly walking baby/toddler in shoes with heels....and then parade her around town.  There is plenty of time for her to wear heels when she is older.  It is not the time while her little bones are developing...mmmmk?)

can you compare pregnancies?

my belly at 36 weeks with Clara!

I am about a week away from giving birth to our second baby...and this whole pregnancy I have been comparing the experience with my first pregnancy. I've heard that every pregnancy is a unique experience, as is every delivery, as is every child.  And I couldn't agree more (well, with the pregnancy part anyway.)  Of course, I've treated these two pregnancies very differently.  With Clara is was ZERO caffeine...not even a sip...and as many organic foods as we could afford (I was hardcore).  With this little dude I've had a few sodas, a few coffees and a few teas...probably zero organic foods....and I never once worked out.  Whoops. 

Here are some others things:

Food Cravings:  
Clara:  I couldn't eat enough oranges.  Craved them hardcore for months.
Baby:  Not any one thing in particular.  One day I will have a hankering for sorbet, the next day I can't focus on anything until I eat a handful of Swedish fish.  But that is kindof like my real life when I'm not pregnant too.

Food aversions:
Clara:  Veggies.  Couldn't stand the thought of them for the first and second trimesters.  Ugh. 
Baby:   Veggies...for the first trimester...but even now that they don't make me puke, I have to force myself to eat them.

Skin changes:
Clara: my skin was wacky with frequent breakouts.
Baby: my skin was delicious for months...and then it became crazy red/dry/irritated - which has resolved with serious skin care product alterations (I started using Cetafil products...it's way better now.)

Stretch marks:
Clara: nada.
Baby.  ugh.  A couple right above my belly button...about 1 inch long...not excited.  But whatever.

Facial alterations:
Clara: my body got so swollen the contours of my face were altered...and the pictures of me just before having her and for a couple weeks after her birth the pictures of me don't look anything like me...and it wasn't just facial chub...my nose and eye sockets...distortion or something.
Baby: I may have a more pronounced double chin these days...eh.  I think I look the same (so does my hubs.)


Weight gain:
Clara: I gained just below 40 lbs (just over the 25 - 35 lbs recommended weight gain)  I gained 6 pounds in the last week of that pregnancy, alone!!
Baby: So far only 22 lbs...but I still have a week and a couple days to go...so we'll see.

Energy:
I can't comment on this...No recollection.  I'm tired.  I'm always tired.  It's either the fact I continue to be mildly anemic, or residency, or pregnancy, or a combo? 

Sleep:
Clara: I had a hard time sleeping during that entire pregnancies.  Almost every night was interupted several times with bathroom breaks or uncomfortable positioning.  I had to sleep with a special pillow no less...and remember how uncomfortable it was.
Baby: There are a few nights here and there where I will get up to go to the bathroom....but for the MOST part, I've been sleeping oh so soundly every single night.

Nesting/Obsessing:
Clara: I thought about Clara's arrival day and night during the entire pregnancy.  I obsessed about getting her nursery together, buying the safest baby products, and having everything "ready."
Baby: I can honestly say that I spent this pregnancy still thinking about Clara day and night...does that sound awful?  Clara has been the center of my universe for the past couple years...it's only feels natural to continue to revolve around her.  I would think about this little guy too...but it wasn't anywhere near the obsession I had with my first pregnancy.  We've sortof gathered the stuff together to bring this little guy home...washed the goods with Dreft...bought some newborn diapers...and got a double stroller.  Oh...and I spent the day sterilizing bottles. 

9 more days of this belly!

taken today - 9 days left to go!!

Well that flew by.  I have 9 more days.  NINE.  Today we've been enjoying our last Sunday just the three of us (as next weekend my MOM comes to New York!)  We went out for breakfast...feasted on pancakes and fruit...played outside...finalized some baby prepping projects...colored pictures of Mickey and Pooh...and have had quite a grande little Sunday thus far.

We've settled into such a sweet little life just us three....and I feel as though I will miss the simplicity of it all.  I remember I got like this in the final days before Clara came to us.  It was almost like a mourning period...where I knew that nothing I was used to would ever be the same again...and I missed the thought of it being just Tommy and me.  Now, I am experiencing that same knot in my throat at the thought of it never again just being us three.  Strange isn't it?  Oh hormones.  Why do you mess with me so?

NINE DAYS of this belly!!  Woot woot!

non-gender neutral

When I was pregnant with Clara I would often ramble on and on about how I didn't want to dress her only in pink, and I didn't want to surround her with princess garbage or flowers/butterflies/glitter stuff if I didn't have to.  Tommy and I both wanted to make more gender neutral purchases so that the gear could be used for future bambinos.

We did pretty good - most of our actual gear is gender neutral.  It's surprising how NON-gender neutral baby products can be.  Dressing Clara in more neutral stuff didn't happen.  At. All.  She isn't our "dress up doll" - but she is so dang adorable in pinks and purples and every color in between.  I have no prob dressing her like a little lady.

The ONE item that Tommy picked out which shocked me was a girly infant car seat.  We are talking hot pink piping, and black and white floral graphics throughout.  I really wanted a more neutral seat.  But he thought it was "cute" for a little girl - and he said something along the lines that she deserves to have a couple pretty girly things...which I, in turn, thought was cute.  So we got the girly car seat.

Except now we are having a boy.  And you THINK you could just go pick out a new car seat cover easy as pie.  Oh no.  Not so.  Gracco does make them...but there are so many different car seat models that purchasing covers is not an easy process.  You have to physically call them...talk to a customer service representative...and perhaps they can help find a different cover.

So I made the call to Gracco the other day...surfed their site and picked out a few choices that I liked.  Unfortunately...none of those patterns were available.  Ha.  Go figure.  I ended up getting a design that will work...and it cost around $60 with shipping.  (Cheaper than the cutesy ones available on Etsy...though much less cutesy...and yet I don't know if I am such a strong fan of cutesy anyway.)

It's hilarious that the ONE NON-gender neutral item we bought we had to shell out some serious cash to convert.  We didn't think ahead on this one.  Get a neutral car seat. 

I hated having a baby...and now I'm having another one.

this is my favorite ultrasound picture of our little dude...he is throwin' up the PEACE sign!!!

Here I am.  Full term.  The baby could make his grand debut any second now...though I technically have a couple weeks and a few days until his "official" due date.  I am beyond plump...I sit with my underbelly between my legs, I have a full out waddle to my gait that makes my lower back scream...I don't even bother picking things up off the ground at home...and my husband had to help me take my socks off last night.  I am ready to not be pregnant anymore.

But I am terribly afraid of delivering this little dude.  I remember how Earth shattering painful the whole thing was when I delivered Clara (and not exactly just the delivery...the whole thing....the postpartum experience that dragged on for months).  I wrote about it once...in detail...here. Not being able to sit down, not being able to go to the bathroom, feeling broken and bruised and weak with lots and lots of stitches holding me together.  Ugh.  All this while at the same time being ridiculously overcome with love and joy for my new little one!  Such overwhelming happiness I felt when I cradled her in my arms!!.  It was like my heart exploded open to the size of the universe...literally...and Clara consumed the entirety of it.   It was an emotionally exhausting time...such happiness for our healthy child, such a mourning for my physical wellness, not to mention the demanding/confusing adjustment it was to figure out how to care for a precious little newborn baby!   Wow...what a time.


So I know it will be worth it.  But that doesn't mean I'm not scared out of my mind for what is to come for my body.    Maybe this time will be different?

*note:  for those that wonder, I was induced and got an epidural (which was amazing as I labored throughout the day and comfortably slept through all of the contractions and dilated quickly!)  The epidural was turned off during the delivery and Clara was born naturally. 

residency, baby building and sanity

35 weeks - in front of our little guys crib :-)

Besides being the size of a house these days...and wobbling down the hallways with the intense back pain of sciatica while wearing my white coat...work is crazy as a pregnant resident.  It's a crazy experience for anyone...but I happen to be partial to the thought that being 9 months with child vamps up the drama a bit more.  I am just sooo uncomfortable...and slow...and blah!  Thankfully, I am not in the operating room for this rotation...I would have been miserable. 

I am having to take my ACLS (Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support)  re-certification this week.  FML.  I hate those courses. (They are stressful....granted...they prepare us for THE most stressful of hospital situations...and it's imperative that I know and harness this material...it's just hard and scary and well, stressful.)

I also have been having a hell of a time finding a contract lawyer to help me navigate the multpile employment contracts that are in limbo right now.  And I HAVE to get on this.  The sooner this step is accomplished the sooner I will be able to apply to the insurance companies to cover their clients when I am out in the real world.  And to remind you, I enter the "real world" 6 months.  Dear me....

I also have a couple articles, a major research project,  and a couple mini power point presentations that I am working on....not for "fun" mind you...but as requirements for residency participation and my graduation is contingent upon.

Oh - and I should be studying for my boards...everyday I should be studying a couple of hours for my boards.

Did I mention Clara has a cold?  Oh...and our baby boy is coming in 3 weeks?  I spent the weekend washing baby blankets/baby boy clothes/nursing tanks/nursing bras in baby detergent (Dreft), purchasing newborn sized diapers (so small!), going crazy over what type of baby bottles to get, and helping Tommy assemble the crib, the new stroller, and some of the baby gear (eh..I pretty much watched and cuddled Clara while he assembled all of those things to be honest.)

I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

Right?

double strollers...so going there.

It could be that we are but 5 short weeks away from meeting our son, but I've kicked it into seriously high gear with baby prepping.  There are a couple logistical aspects that have actually kept me up/woken me up at night.  The whole double stroller issue is one of them.  Of all things. 

Anyway.

We managed to get by with purchasing only one stroller for Clara - well - one REAL stroller...a jogging stroller (the Jeep Liberty to be exact).  It was our everything stroller.  (Believe it or not - the little plastic wheel and turn key toy thing on the tray were a HUGE hit for Clara - she still loves to "drive" the stroller!)  Once she was around a year we picked up a cheapy umbrella stroller for a few bucks and those two have done the job perfectly. 

We liked the idea of getting one double stroller if we could help it (they are so dang pricey...ugh.)  Thus began my obsession search.  I scoured the internet for reviews.  I asked nearly everyone I know with two babies what their double stroller situation was.  All of my research was very helpful.  Except, the one I fell in love with was way fat out of our price range.  Like...WAAAAY out of our price range. 

Things we wanted:
- a stroller that we could jog/walk/go on trails with (lock in place front wheel)
- take to the store/around town (swivel front wheel)
- take to the zoo, fair, Disney, parks (roomy and comfy for kiddos)
- side by side seats
- infant car seat compatible
- roomy under-seat bin (must. have. storage.)
- cup holder for mom/dad
- go through standard doorways
- not weight a bazillion pounds
- SUNSHADE (we are moving to Arizona after all.)
- seats that move individually from one another (so one kid can nap and the other sit up if needed.)
- $200 price range.  (Ha!  This was the funniest "want")

The one I fell in love with was the BOB Duallie with a swivel front wheel.  Great reviews on consumersearch.com (my fave go-to review site) and most of the reviews online loved it too.  But with a super heafty pricetag (of over $500!) for a basic stroller and the need to purchase additional features like a converter to secure an infant car seat into, a cup holder for mom/dad, and trays for the kiddos, we are talking around $650 - $700...which is hilarious.  There is always the possibility of finding one on Craigslist...but I've actually been scouring our local CL and the Rhode Island CL for the past 6 months or so and not a single BOB Dualie has come up for less than $450.  So.  Next.

I had a few friends who had the Baby Jogger CityMini Double - but every single one of them complained that the storage was basically non-existent.  Two of the moms told me they wished they didn't get it.  So we crossed that off the list (but it was by far the slimmest double stroller option and fits easily through standard doorways...a sweet feature.)  It is also rather pricey - typically over $450. 

Baby Trend Expedition

Baby Trend Navigator

I turned to Amazon - where there are hundreds of reviews for dozens of jogging strollers.  I started reading about the Baby Trend Expedition and the Navigator models.  The Navigator is basically the same as the Expedition, except there are two front swivel wheels (that lock into place for jogging/walking), double trays for the kiddos and are compatible with infant car seats (MAJOR plus for that!).  There are double cup holders for mom/dad, storage underneath the seats, dual ratcheting sunshades, and a couple other random features that I could care less about (like built in speakers for an mp3 player and such.)  Also...spot on price tag of around $229 at Babies R Us (around $399 on some Amazon sites).  Down side is that it's heavy (43 pounds!  ahhh!) and wide (32.5"!).  Many reviewers loved the product, and some hated it.  Great.  Mixed reviews are always awesome to sift through. 

We ended up going to Babies R Us and checking the thing out in person.  It was massive.  Very wide.  But I wanted side by side seating...so obviously it's going to be wide.  We put our infant car seat into it - and it actually LOCKED into place...thankfully (it is a Graco Snugride)...sat Clara in it and she begged us to take her for a walk.  We walked up and down a few aisles...smooth...took no effort to push...and she started crying when we took her out of it (kept begging for "more walk, more walk!")  It was super easy to fold up.  But it was heavy.  I didn't even try to lift it...but I could fold it easy as pie.  The sun shades were surprisingly awesome - they move anywhere you need them to...I liked that. 

We debated.  I made pro/con lists.  And in the end, we just don't have the money for a BOB.  And, I like a lot of the extra included features of the Navigator.  So we crossed our fingers that we were about to make a great purchase and went for it. 

We used a 20% coupon to Babies R Us and got the Baby Trend Navigator for around $180 - which made us happy.  But then we couldn't fit it into our Subaru Forester in the huge ass box it came in.  Murphy's law.  Tommy had to go back to the store later, after removing our car seat and folding down the back seat.  Not a great start to our stroller becoming a member of the family....but...we are still pretty jazzed about it.  Hope we can wheel it out the front door of our apartment...we'll find out once we put it together (we measured it...but we shall see).

I will keep you updated.  If it sucks I will be the first to tell you.  But I'm crossing my fingers it's the best thing ever!

31 years 30 weeks

Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

I used to looooove birthdays.  And would celebrate them all week long!  Now, however, it kind of came and went and though we celebrated with fun foods and outings and presents (yay!) it was a single day of celebration and now it is over and I'm 31.  I spent the night before refusing to fall asleep...trying to savor those last few moments of 30.  I'm such a freaking weirdo. 

OH - and now I'm 30 weeks pregnant...which means our little boy will be here in around 10 weeks - that seems like no time flat.  Wow.  Two kiddos under two!  We are excited for him to be here...but I'm nervous for the unknown...and I am already starting to miss my one on one time with Clara.  I wonder what it will be like to have to nurse and care for this small baby, with  my 2 year old nearby in need of a dance partner or a story reader...  that's my job too.  Maybe we spaced them too close?  Maybe I just have jitters.  I'll figure it out.

more than a princess

"...because your daughter is so much more than a Princess..."

Ugh - that line made me tear up...(hormonal over here...remember?) but still.  Amazing.  I can't wait to buy a set of Goldiblox for Clara!

belly shots + pregnant thoughts

I am 21 weeks pregnant!  HOLY COW!?  The time if flying by!  I am already over half way there...he will be here before I know it.  Unlike with Clara, I have hardly captured the visual journey of my baby belly at all!

None the less...here is the belly at 10 weeks and at 20 weeks.  You might not see it again until 30 weeks...since that appears to be my trend this time around. 

10 weeks pregnant!

20 weeks pregnant! (touring an 1800's plantation in Georgia!)

I was reading through some of my old posts from when I was pregnant with Clara.  I had to sleep with a special body pillow to be comfortable at night...I was nauseated 24/7...I couldn't eat anything but biscuits...etc.  This pregnancy feels slightly different.  I was pretty sick for a few weeks...but for the most part I only have food aversions to vegetables (not all food) like before...I sleep soooooo much better this time around (no fancy pillow needs...no waking every hour for no reason).  In fact, now that my morning sickness has basically subsided, I tend to forget that I am pregnant.  Does that sound bad?  That sounds bad.  I do notice it when I go to cross my legs and my gigantic stomach is in my way...and when I catch a glimpse of myself walking next to a reflective surface (whoa!)...and when I want a coffee/soda/wine and something clicks in my brain and I go with a water instead.  It's funny.  Oh...or during our drive from New York to Georgia and I had to pee ever 30 minutes...yea...I def remembered that I was pregnant then. 

For the first 18 or so weeks of being pregnant I would have sworn that I was the worst preggo to ever live.  It was so uncomfortable and I was sick of being sick...and I was so exhausted all the time.  I felt like complaining constantly.  And now?  Now I feel like my old self...just a bigger bellied version. 

finally...a bump

I'm away from home...living in Georgia for a couple weeks.  So I have no idea how to take a picture and upload it to this blog from my iPhone...obviously I am not exactly tech savvy.  Anyway....

I woke up this morning...got dressed...and FINALLY!  My belly has a baby bump!  I've looked bloated and ummm well extra chubby for the past 20 weeks.  Most people were shocked when I would say I was pregnant...as if my lower abdominal pooch was always extra fluffy or something.  It's been round and full...I assure you.  It's possible these folks were being nice :-)    So I've been in this limbo of looking not exactly pregnant...but being too round to wear normal clothes (since I was 6 weeks pregnant.)

So FINALLY!  I was so excited!  Elated in fact!  I couldn't wait to tell Tommy that my BUMP was prominent enough to be noticed as a bump!!  On all of my dozens of trips to the bathroom I would smile and admire my firm round belly.

Then, one of the pathologists I had just met asked me how far along I was...in front of a group of other male pathologists.  I blushed, said 5 months...and mentally was excited that I look pregnant...hahaha.  Until one of these other doctors let out a huge sigh of relief and said something along the lines of:  I was wondering if she was preggo, but she is in that inbetween stage where it could be a beer belly or a baby. 

I was bummed.  I thought I was surely past the beer belly stage. 

not quite living up

I write this with a freaking stack of papers that I HAVE to get through tonight...so this promises to be brief.  But I haven't had a heart-felt "hello" in a while.  It's time.

This past week I was in Florida at a surgical conference.  And I leave again Friday for a two week mini fellowship in Georgia for a dermatopathology rotation.  Life is insane.  Constantly.  It never lets up.  Ever.  Just when I think I can sink into the sofa for a chilled moment I get a page...or remember an article I have to read by tomorrow morning...or an attending calls my cell.  Ha. 

Sometimes I think about all the things I'm not doing.  I haven't had any pictures printed in about 4 months - which mean grandparents are not getting to enjoy Clara's cute mug (ummm...and I haven't posted any new pictures of her on Facebook in a couple months either.)  I haven't made a single item of clothing for her - and according to my Pinterest board, I have a wishlist about a mile long of things I'd love to create for her (mostly pillowcase dresses omg.)  We don't do "Mommy & Me" gym classes, or swim classes or music lessons (which I know are popular in many places, even with 18 month old babies.).  And I don't take her to the park every evening to watch for bunnies, swing and roll in the grass.  I don't make her homemade organic crackers....and she has been known to be fed a slice of pizza on occasion. 

It's easy for me to feel like I'm not quite living up to motherhood.  And I'm sure there are folks out there who will judge me for this or that...or secretly thank God that they aren't like me and aren't their kids lucky.  But I have to say - with all the juggling we do, my husband and I are having a blast...and our kid is the happiest little love I know.  And she is a riot.  And she adores me.  Sometimes I feel the pressure mounting and I get a little lost...like I am way behind in some sort of triathlon.  And then there are times, like tonight, when I refuse to believe that I am lacking...and I know that I truly am a superwoman...and my husband is my hero, a real life Superman.

we're having a....

here

We're having a BOY!

Bring on the frogs and snails and puppy dog tails! 

I have to confess...I've had a sneaking suspicion it was a boy right from the start*!  Tommy and I even took bets as to what the gender was going to be as we were walking into our ultra sound appointment.  

I won :-)

I basically haven't stopped smiling - I'm going to have a son.

And I don't know the first thing about raising boys. 

 I grew up with no brothers, no boy cousins, not even many dude friends as a kid.  

This will surely be an adventure for us all.

(*This pregnancy is a lot different from when I was carrying Clara!  I am still nauseated 24/7 like I was with Clara, but unlike with her where I lived off of oranges and biscuits because food made me queasy...I have CRAVINGS with this little dude!  Well...let's be clear...veggies make me puke just like with Clara...but basically everything else is fair game.   Sometimes I'm too sick to eat...but other times my cravings are so ridiculous they dictate my entire day.   Random foods I've never craved in my life...pistachios, chili, waffles, chips and salsa, hummus, ice cream, Sugar Smacks....but not just normal "I'd like to eat some pistachios today."  Oh no.  It's more like "GIVE ME PISTACHIOS NOW OMG!!" And ummm...yea....I look at least 6 months pregnant already...but I'm only 4.5...hahaha....)

**double note...one of our favorite friends had a baby girl today, they named her Norah...and she is so incredibly perfect and pretty it makes me heart cry happy tears!  Congrats Johanna and Andrew!

***triple note...Parker Penny was born :-)  So excited to hear all about it!