Tomorrow ends my maternity leave...I go back to work. Back to work with a bang actually, as I am oncall over the weekend (which is a hectic and stressful way to go back after having 6 weeks off!).
But you know, it has not been 6 weeks "off" - it's been 6 of the most exhausting weeks of my life!! It has not been a vacation - it has not been a leisurely walk in the park...I didn't pick up one novel, nor did I craft to my hearts content or enjoy long drives in the country side. It's been nights of feeding my daughter at midnight, 2am, 4am. 6am and 8am. It's been crying over my painful perineum and breasts. It's been thoughts of worry and failure about my breastmilk inadequacy. It's been days of not showering, brushing my teeth or eating breakfast until 2pm. It's been questioning every cry or whimper my darling girl makes, and attempting (and sometimes failing) to make it all better.
As much as it's been insane, it's been an amazing journey of getting to know her. I feel so blessed to have been able to feed her myself, dress her, and snuggle with her. Now that work starts I have no idea what to expect. After working a full day, and coming home late, my little one will probably be sleeping. Will I have the energy to get up throughout the night to feed her? Probably not...not if I want to be mentally alert for the surgeries the next day. I will be out the door before she is awake for the day. Who knows if I will be able to pump breastmilk at work - so it's quite possible she will become a formula baby.
|I'd love to just stare at her cute little mug all day! Here we are at the zoo! (legally at the zoo by the way)|
Do I sound bitter? I am a little bit. I'm bitter that these 6 weeks went by so fast - and that they were much harder than I anticipated. I'm bitter that I have to go back to work and leave my little girl at home just when she is starting to smile and reach for things. I'm bitter that I'm not producing the quantity of milk necessary to make a freezer full supply, and I'm sad there isn't a place/time for me to pump at work other than my car (or a gross public bathroom stall.) I'm bitter that there isn't a way for me to ensure that I will be home at 5pm everyday, to hold and cuddle her before putting her to bed at night. I'm bitter that my husband is the one that gets to fill his day with her while I have to go to work.
I am happy she will be with her daddy all day - if she was going to have to go to daycare I think that would have been much more difficult. I am bummed...and sad...and wish I knew how this was all going to play out.
I know I sound so whiny - I can't help it today. My heart hurts.