Friday, January 20, 2012
my working-mommy meltdown *update*
This has been a super busy week. Lots of surgery (yay!), lots of patients in house and just ooodles and ooooooodles of responsibility (real life is hard work.). Yesterday I was rushing home after a case that ended at 5:30...a typical time I suppose...and I was frantic to spend a little time with my wee one before she fell asleep (7:30pm). During my drive I started getting so angry that I work. SO ANGRY that I can't afford to stay home and be with her. To raise her. Then my anger turned to sadness. My eyes grew misty with the realization that she is growing so fast.
Then. THEN. I got home and was so jazzed to hold her! But the poor thing started crying and kept reaching and lunging for her Daddy. It was puzzling. And pathetic. And made me freaking BALL MY EYES OUT. And for some reason, my reaction was to rip my husbands eyes out. Except I was exhausted from working all day, and I was sad about this rejection. So his eyes remained.
EFF my life.
Today - I didn't even get to see her awake. I got a phone call from Tommy while I was between cases...she fell on her face and her tooth cut her lip and she was bleeding...I helped him....but he fixed her up. He comforted her. And got her all dressed for the day. And took her for a fresh air walk.
I am so conflicted in my heart right now. I WANT to be a doctor (sometimes). I WANT to be a stay at home mommy. I want it all.
*Sigh* I am so frustrated.
*NOTE* a couple friends posted this article, To the Mother With Only One Child, by Simcha Fisher, on Facebook and it really resonated with me tonight...motherhood is a unique experience...an adventure that is difficult to describe for both working mamas and stay at home mamas. This particular passage brought tears to my eyes:
When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.