Friday, January 20, 2012

my working-mommy meltdown *update*

This has been a super busy week.  Lots of surgery (yay!), lots of patients in house and just ooodles and ooooooodles of responsibility (real life is hard work.).  Yesterday I was rushing home after a case that ended at 5:30...a typical time I suppose...and I was frantic to spend a little time with my wee one before she fell asleep (7:30pm).  During my drive I started getting so angry that I work.  SO ANGRY that I can't afford to stay home and be with her.  To raise her.  Then my anger turned to sadness.  My eyes grew misty with the realization that she is growing so fast.

Then.  THEN.  I got home and was so jazzed to hold her!  But the poor thing started crying and kept reaching and lunging for her Daddy.  It was puzzling.  And pathetic.  And made me freaking BALL MY EYES OUT.  And for some reason, my reaction was to rip my husbands eyes out.  Except I was exhausted from working all day, and I was sad about this rejection.  So his eyes remained.

EFF my life.

Today - I didn't even get to see her awake.  I got a phone call from Tommy while I was between cases...she fell on her face and her tooth cut her lip and she was bleeding...I helped him....but he fixed her up.  He comforted her.  And got her all dressed for the day.  And took her for a fresh air walk.

I am so conflicted in my heart right now.  I WANT to be a doctor (sometimes).  I WANT to be a stay at home mommy.  I want it all. 

*Sigh*  I am so frustrated.

*NOTE*  a couple friends posted this article, To the Mother With Only One Child, by on Facebook and it really resonated with me tonight...motherhood is a unique adventure that is difficult to describe for both working mamas and stay at home mamas.  This particular passage brought tears to my eyes:

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life.  Your life is hard; your life will be hard.  That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.

I'm in a better "place" today.  Perhaps it is because I got to hang with Clara for a few hours today after my rounds at the hospital...she always rejuvenates my spirit.  I find myself in those funks every now and then...pretty sure most of us have 'em...but thankfully the sunlight eventually shines and scatters pretty freckles.


  1. Hang in there girl. It's hard on both sides, I think. I have several stay at home mom friends who could write this post the same exact way, but from their own perspective from home. Right down to wanting to scratch their husband's eyeballs out-but being too tired to do so. I feel for you, as I know your job right now is so unpredictable and most likely stressful. I hope that you can find some balance and enjoy both of the lives you live as a Surgeon and a Mother. I have read your blog for years, and I am sure you are doing a wonderful job in both arenas.

  2. I agree with Amy, soon she'll be running into your arms when you get home at night. I remember doing this when my Dad got home, my brother, myself and our dog would all race to the door and hug and kiss my Dad when he got home from work. Years later, in my adult life, my Mom told me how all the whole spectrum of emotion would serge through her in those moments. Love and delight for her husband and feelings of under-appreciation for her since she just spent the whole day slaving to keep us safe and alive. In the long run, everything evens out. I'm 27 now and call each of my parents separately and tell them how much I love them and appreciate them. It's a balance and you and Tommy are preforming perfectly. Keep up the great work!

  3. :( This is so hard. I know when we have kids I'm going to want to stay home...can I? well, thats another story. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this the very least, at least its your hubs that gets to stay with her vs. a nanny or day care right? (i don't know if that helps or not).

  4. Those days are so hard... and I don't think they go away... but it doesn't make you appreciate those special moments even more. xoxoxo

  5. Such a struggle - for all moms. Does any parent ever find "balance"? It is a true mystery.

    Wishing you peace as you make decisions this year - this month - this week - this minute.



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