Sunday, February 19, 2012
vacation from mothering?
OK. It's going on my 7th consecutive day of not seeing Clara...and there will be another 14 days to go BEFORE I can actually hold her in my arms once again. I clearly feel sorry for myself in this situation so I've tried to pamper myself a little bit in her absence...doing things I only did when I was a single lady a couple years ago.
This weekend, for example, I went to the gym...for as long as I wanted. Slept in reallllllly late. Went to the mall for a long ass time and tried on loads of clothes...and bought some. Walked lazily through the aisles at the grocery store. Showered multiple times in one day and just stood under the hot water for a ridiculously long period of time. Spent 45 minutes looking at birthday cards at the store. Talked to my parents for over an hour. Called my sisters...my grandparents. Sent lots of emails. Updated my Facebook page. Cleaned my apartment spotless. Drank a Coke. Watched The Fashion Police on TV.
I tried to study...a million times...but couldn't. I tried to work on a couple projects...but couldn't. I kept looking at Clara's picture on my phone...and allllll the pictures of her on my external hard drive. So ...I bought her some birthday gifts online and spent two hours selecting four new books to add to her library (including a couple of those indestructible books that feel like paper but can't be torn or ruined - very excited about those). I bought her first baby doll. Looked at her pictures some more. Called and talked to my husband so I could hear her playing in the background. Harassed him to send me more pictures of her on the phone. Checked out Zulily, The Mini Social, Gilt and Totsy multiple times...just to see if there was something I would like her to have.
And cried. Lots and lots. Not wailing or bawling or anything. Just a steady stream of water leaking from my eyeballs. I miss her so. Babies are only babies for a year. And I'm missing two entire months. Ugh.
My work week is jam packed full of responsibilities and surgery and clinic and on and on and on. There isn't time to drink coffee (can you believe that?) or eat lunch (most days...unless your bathroom break also consists of shoving a granola bar down your throat while you are peeing.) And for some odd reason I LOVE IT. Seriously. As crazy as this rotation has been - it has been the BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY ENTIRE RESIDENCY TRAINING. Seriously. The stuff I'm seeing is phenomenal. The surgeons I am working with are gods. I feel so lucky to be a part of it all. I'm becoming a better doctor. I know it.
Except I wonder if it's worth it. And I'm not sure it is. I dunno.